Catching a bbq lid on fire
The taste of charcoal in a little indigestinal discomfort of a sacrificial burning of meat to the various gods is the few reminders of a nice gathering of friends and family. The fact that I managed to be enthralled with getting all of the charcoals burning was interrupted with Chris politely telling me that the grill was on fire. My brain didn’t process this as quick as it should have because the grill should be on fire. The lid, however, should not, but was. I’m sure the few moments of inhaling the noctuous fumes from the paint and metal shortened my life a few years, but it was fun to hear the metal pop and sizzle as he sprayed it with water. The Beavis in me was all, “fire! Fire! Fire!”
After we ate, we watched Margaret Cho’s Beautiful from TiVo and much laughter was had. After that, I finally watched, “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”. There were lots of hurdles I had to overcome to cope with this, since when I tried watching it before, I couldn’t get past the first little bit because it hit too close. Even now, and even with friends around, there were solumn moments where a tear would sneak out of my eye that I would just rub away. Still, it was a great story and the acting was decent, regardless of the ridiculous penis wagling. Having this next sentence mean anything after that last comment is futile, so I’ll start a new one.
Maybe a new paragraph, too. I dunno. There’s still so much I can’t seem to get past. The problem is that it is in the past. There are no variables, just facts of a story that only I want to finish. It’s just all strange chemistry of my brain.
Nicole watched “The O Tapes” after the movie and Lilliane had gone to bed. Chris and I were apparently still burping up charcoal while working on a new security configuration for Warped. This went on to 4am. Here I am trying to exhaust my brain for a few hours of sleep. My brain has other plans. So does my heart which is still sore and still broken. Every other word, I don’t understand.
I talked to my mom today to give her an update of whatever tests the doctors are torturing me with lately and to getting updated on what’s going on up there. We talked about me coming up there, so that might be happening soon. I also talked about the financial issues looming as the always do. So many things to deal with, but I need to quit whining about them because there is little others can do. Even if I were in a better financial position, the rest of the shit I have to deal with needs attending to. Even if I weren’t here someone would have to deal with it.
It still ain’t easy being me. Trying to walk a mile in my shoes is impossible since I can’t.
Lilliane gave me shit for riding my bike to get gas and back. It’s not that I don’t care what she thinks and feels. It’s that sometimes I need to feel like I’m still alive and not a manican just going through the motions of life. Sure it’s stupid. Sure it’s a gamble. But I didn’t leave part of myself at the crash site, did I? It’s conflicting for me. Get back on the horse or shoot it. It’s been a big part of my sanity to get out and away. Some wonderful memories of feeling so alive and so loved with someone holding on to me and being so open. I miss those moments, and yes it hurts not just physically but emotionally. The fear of if I’ll drop at the next curve metered with the raw power and skill of over a decade of riding. So perplexing.
Selfish? Probably. Be gentle while you judge me on my stupidity. I’m still under construction and I still might have half a life left to quit being stupid. Darwin hasn’t won yet, and losing a battle is not losing the war.
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